Human nature is asking me to do more to heal from this, I guess. That night I felt the aftermath of running out of money in another country…
I broke down and cried. Vulnerable. I took a risk and shared. “My biggest fear just happened, I ran out of money”, as I poured myself out. I admitted out loud that I underestimated my money and I made a mistake. I felt broken. I know it triggered some deep feelings of fear I was healing from. One of my friends, Darlene, gave me a much needed hug. Shari consoled me.
Not the end of the story, though. Still feeling vulnerable. Advice to anyone experiencing this sensitive lesson: settle into a place of quiet, do not give in to your feelings at this point.
God has a sense of humor.
I took a shower. Our hotel room in London was small. My friends were on the bed talking in small voices. Finishing my shower, through the door I heard whispering, hearing words about “husband finding out”, some interesting made-up-rubbish conjured up in my mind, I guess.
I felt devastated what I thought were opinions were being said about my situation so I reacted. Note to self: give yourself more time before you get all the facts.
I opened the door and said something that I thought needed to be said to defend myself in this troubling situation I put myself in. Something to the effect of “… if you’re going to talk about me…”. Oh my God, did I really do this? What just happened?
They all started to explain themselves and then I realized I made a mistake. It was not about me at all. Note to self: lesson learned, you can stop now.
One word comes to mind. Embarrassed. That corner over there looks good to hide in.
Thankfully, there was not too much gasping in the room that I remember. Shari came in to the bathroom (at this point, the room I didn’t want to leave, ever) and said something nice.
Shari said something that turned this crazy time around for me… “it was a real gutsy thing to say what you were thinking. Instead of resenting, you spoke up”.
Wow. I didn’t expect that.
She said I was gutsy. I’ll remember that. That compliment will get me through this healing process easier feeling stronger and more confident. I am gutsy.
I always thought of myself as adventurous. I commend myself as being willing and flexible.
But the deep healing comes from a place of the unknown, where the secrets lie in your soul.
I come from the belief that I’ve been gathering information all my life, preparing myself through life’s situations to arrive here today. A lifetime of choices I made. I’m in charge of my consequences by my attitude of gratitude. I can become bitter or better from them.
People come and go, all the times I’ve been wronged and my many blessings, the love and hate I’ve encountered, the mistakes I’ve made and encountering the greatest love for my children and grandchildren, all the good and all the challenges made me who I am today.
God is always going to listening. If its true about free choice then I choose not to die with the miracle and gifts inside me. Maybe making mistakes are going to help me get there, stronger.
It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. ~ Abraham Lincoln